Halloween Ideas from a Retired Costume Queen

No Tricks, Just Treats

The scariest Halloween costume I can think of is being a giant garbage patch made up of discarded polyester Spirit Halloween costumes, tangled acrylic wigs, discarded candy wrappers, and the plastic bags they’re all being sold in. Not scary in a horror movie kind of way, but scary in a real life, impending doom, existential crisis kind of way. But if you’re looking to dress up this Halloween and not depress everyone around you, I’ve come up with some other ideas too.

If you knew me in my 20s, you know that I love Halloween costumes. My mom instilled the power of a homemade costume in me at a young age - I’ll never forget the high of donning a one-of-a-kind Jessie costume, complete with a hand-made yarn wig. My brother and I carried a stuffed Meowth door to door, reciting the entire Team Rocket motto to every parent in our suburban Kansas neighborhood. Needless to say, most of them had no idea what the fuck we were supposed to be, or why we were monologuing in unison on their porch. But we had fun.

Prepare for trouble! And make it double!

I’ve mostly abandoned my homemade costumes in recent years solely because I don’t want to go out. It feels like a waste to spend so much time and effort making a costume nobody will see, but the idea of surrounding myself in drunk strangers just to show off my handiwork doesn’t quite seem worth it. However, my brain continues to spin with new ideas every year, so maybe you can bring them to life instead!

I’ve compiled a bunch of fun and creative costume ideas below, for both solo dressers and those who want to go out as a pair. These can all be put together with items that might already be in your wardrobe (or a friend’s), supplemented by secondhand finds. Happy Haunting!

Holy Cow

If you’re a cow print collector, you’re already most of the way there! Just layer on as much of the print as possible, and add on some angelic accessories - angel wings, a halo, maybe little horns and a tail. A lot of these elements would be super easy to DIY, including painting on cow print to something you already have. Big blobs are pretty foolproof! I see a plethora of wings at almost every single thrift store this time of year, so those should be pretty easy to get your hands on for cheap. There’s also a good chance that someone you know already has them, so it never hurts to ask any past angels or fairies if they’re still holding on to their wings.

Alternative Idea: Same concept, but at the higher risk of offending people. Dress as a priest or a nun, and add cow accessories.

The Fit: Cow print everything! Send out a call in your group chat or on your Close Friends to see if anyone has pieces you could borrow.

The Accessories: A cowbell, a milk jug, maybe a bit of cheese if you’re feeling cheeky. I’d probably look for a grassy green bag or shoes to round out the look.

The Styling: Two floppy little side buns would make very cute cow ears. A smudge of dark eyeshadow on the nose. Cows often have dramatic eyelashes, so I’d probably opt for a huge pair of falsies.

“Camp”

One of you is Literal Camp, decked out in your adolescent summer finest. Think sportswear and woodsy apparel. The other one of you is Camp-y, interpreted however you want. Do you have a niche collection of themed garments? Enough sculptural jewelry to rival Prue Leith? A louder knitwear collection than Noel Fielding? (Sorry, I’m really excited about a new season of Bake Off). When people ask what you are, you just respond: “We’re camp.” Cue applause.

The Fit: You probably have a pretty good idea of summer camp apparel whether or not you ever actually went to camp. The Parent Trap is an excellent refresher. And as for capital C Camp, tread very lightly if you’re thinking of using the 2019 Met Gala as reference. Some people got it, even more people really didn’t.

The Accessories: The camper should turn to the garage of your closest outdoorsy relative. Look for a lantern, binoculars, whatever would be fun and not extremely annoying to carry around. The Camp-y party is free to hit me up if you’re in the NYC area! I have purses shaped like dogs and wedding cakes, earrings shaped like lemons and strawberries…

The Styling: The quintessential camper style would be french braids done by your bunkmate Rachel. Maybe a smattering of faux freckles, and a band aid on the knee for good measure. The Camp-y: the world is your oyster.

Pony Express

If you’re into Western style but don’t want to go as a cowboy (again), here’s your solution. I love an interactive costume, and no postal worker fit would be complete without a mail bag! I love the idea of filling a bag with letters or notes to pass out. Imagine how charmed your guests would be if you host a Halloween party with a special delivery for every guest in your bag as they arrive? Or, if you’re single, stock your bag with letters including your phone number or social media handle and pass out “mail” to the cutest people you meet. You can also keep it classic and just fill the bag with candy, especially if you’ll be on trick-or-treater duty.

Alternative option keeps the same mail-bag concept, but just as a regular mail carrier. There’s a lot of cool vintage USPS merch out there, from full uniforms to patches. You can easily sew or safety pin patches to clothing you already own for a temporary look, without having to buy new clothes or permanently alter anything. If you own a ton of brown clothes you could also be UPS, just swap your mail bag for a cardboard box. Bonus points if you mark the box FRAGILE and drop it repeatedly.

The Fit: A cowboy costume, but with a twist.

The Accessories: a mail bag, a stick horse, and a cowboy hat.

The Styling: A mild sunburn and dirt under your fingernails. Bonus points if you end the night very sweaty.